FuNniEs pAgE
FuNniEs pAgE
THE GIFT
A YOUNG MAN WANTED TO PURCHASE A GIFT FOR HIS NEW SWEETHEART'S BIRTHDAY, AND AS THEY HAD NOT BEEN DATING VERY LONG, AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION, HE DECIDED A PAIR OF GLOVES WOULD STRIKE THE RIGHT NOTE: ROMANTIC, BUT NOT TOO PERSONAL. ACCOMPANIED BY HIS SWEETHEART'S YOUNGER SISTER, HE WENT TO NORDSTROM AND BOUGHT A PAIR OF WHITE GLOVES. THE SISTER PURCHASED A PAIR OF PANTIES FOR HERSELF. DURING THE WRAPPING, THE CLERK MIXED UP THE ITEMS AND THE SISTER GOT THE GLOVES AND THE SWEETHEART GOT THE PANTIES. WITHOUT CHECKING THE CONTENTS, THE YOUNG MAN SEALED THE PACKAGE AND SENT IT TO HIS SWEETHEART WITH THE FOLLOWING NOTE:
"I CHOSE THESE BECAUSE I NOTICED YOU ARE NOT IN THE HABIT OF WEARING ANY WHEN WE GO OUT IN THE EVENING. IF IT HAD NOT BEEN FOR YOUR SISTER, I WOULD HAVE CHOSEN THE LONG ONES WITH THE BUTTONS, BUT SHE WEARS SHORT ONES THAT ARE EASIER TO REMOVE. THESE ARE A DELICATE SHADE, BUT THE LADY I BOUGHT THEM FROM SHOWED ME THE PAIR SHE HAD BEEN WEARING FOR THE PAST THREE WEEKS AND THEY WERE HARDLY SOILED. I HAD HER TRY YOURS ON FOR ME AND SHE LOOKED REALLY SMART. I WISH I WAS THERE TO PUT THEM ON FOR YOU THE FIRST TIME, AS NO DOUBT OTHER HANDS WILL COME IN CONTACT WITH THEM BEFORE I HAVE A CHANCE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF, REMEMBER TO BLOW IN THEM BEFORE PUTTING THEM AWAY AS THEY WILL NATURALLY BE A LITTLE DAMP FROM WEARING. JUST THINK HOW MANY TIMES I WILL KISS THEM DURING THE COMING YEAR. I HOPE YOU WILL WEAR THEM FOR ME ON FRIDAY NIGHT. ALL MY LOVE."
P.S. THE LATEST STYLE
IS TO WEAR THEM FOLDED DOWN WITH A LITTLE FUR
SHOWING.
*************************
A Letter From Barbie
*************************
Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA
Dear Sir,
Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy
bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from
one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S
DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around
here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller
are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it
feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably
white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD
imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Heck, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over
that wimped-out excuse for a
boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna
have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically
correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically
correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to
twist, just get it done.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.
How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising
account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie",
complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie
dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights
Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake
fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie",
sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several
packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve
it.
Ok, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to
society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA
THE LETTER HOME FROM COLLEGE
My mother sent this form letter to me when I was having a really
bad time with my thesis. I don't know where it came from, she
says it was already ancient when SHE went to school...
Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have
been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness
in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now,
but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any
further unless you are sitting down... Okay???
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull
fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window
of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are
pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital
and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a
day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he
was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He
also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live
because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to
share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it
is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply
in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact
date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes,
Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking
forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the
baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you
gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our
marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which
prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I
carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the
penicillin injections I am now taking daily. I know you will
welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a
different race and religion than ours, I know your expressed
tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his
skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love
him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told
that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in
Africa from which he comes. Now that I have brought you up to
date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did
not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the
hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have
syphillis and there is no schwartze in my life..... However, I am
getting a "D" in History and an "F" in
Science.... and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper
perspective
Your loving daughter.
The parish priest very
furtively calls the mother superior into his office.
This is how their conversation went:
He: " Sister, I want to show you something."
She: " What is it, Father?
He: " Come into my private room & close the
blinds."
She: " WHAT?! "
He: " I said....."
She: " I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're
saying it!"
He: " Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
He: " Here, sit on the bed beside me."
She: " I have to get out of here. "
He: " Aren't you the least bit curious? "
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
He: " Get under the covers. "
She: " WHAT?????!!!!! "
The nun was really freaking out.
He: " It doesn't work otherwise! " says the priest.
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He: "Come closer," whispers the priest.
Nervously, she does get closer.
He: "See," the priest whispers gleefully, " my new
watch does glow in the dark!!!!"
THEN AND NOW
When I was in junior high, all I wanted was a girl with big
breasts. In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but
there was no passion. So, I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency and she cried all the time. So, I
decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very
stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about
anything. So, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I
found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She
rushed from one thing to another, never settling. She had no was
direction. So, I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After
college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so
ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now,
all I want is a girl with big tits.
A Sign!
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read.........."TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."
Since you are very interested
......
The malay version of Titanic will have Awie, Erra, Edika play Dawson, Rose and Carl. This grand epic will do the Malay movie industry proud and will be directed by Yusof Haslam. This brilliant film is called "Pulau Kapas" . Pulau Kapas is the name of the ferry that will take our star crossed young lovers from Butterworth to Pulau Pinang.
Awie will play a poor drifter, who is an artist and can also write bad rock songs. He will be on the top deck of the ferry (the pedestrians and motorcyclists are all on the top deck).Erra and Edika are on the bottom deck in his fancy Proton sports car bearing Penang plate no PEN 15. (edika,by the way,is the son of a big time datuk and erra's mom lost a lot of money in Sime Bank shares).
The two fall in love and in one scene Awie and Erra stands at top deck where people normally jump to commit suicide. And because this is in Malaysia the closest thing to shagging is a music video of them probing the top deck and not each other.Then just like the titanic tragedy strikes. A rogue toxic tong left by Indah Water gets caught in the ferry's propeller! Oh no! The propeller blows up and the ferry takes in water. KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!
The ferry starts to sink. The people panic and jump into the sea.The life jackets on the ferry are so old and 'reput' that none of them work. And they lower the lifeboats. But wait! There are no lifeboats. The sea is so polluted that 70% of the passengers who jump die on the spot. Those who don't die bob up and down in the water looking like an orang minyak horror story gone bad. Other ferrys do not see the sinking ferry as the haze is back.
Awie grabs a piece of floating banner which reads "Caruman EPF Untuk Masa Depan Anda" This was thrown in the sea earlier by a disgruntled EPF contributor (marginal side plot). For once EPF is used to save someone's future rather than ailing companies (subtle political messageby Yusof Haslam) and Awie lets Erra sit on it. Erra gets wet - which is the only sexy moment of the movie (promo posters will have this picture to attract all the yellow bellied horny gits out there) before another tragedy strikes. An obor-obor stings Awie and he dies. His last words were "Jangan lepaskan aku" ...and "Ouch" before slipping into the sea.
Finallyome tongkangs pendatang haram from Indonesia come and saves Erra. Sad ending and all the audience cries. Ending credits will include the Ziana Zain song: "Jantung Ku akantetap berdenyut." which she will sing in her normal dress which is 3 sizes too small.
Three man went for a cruise onboard an ocean liner. The Indian drew out a packet of spice at dinner and after sprinkling some on his food, threw the rest away. When asked why, his reply was: in my country, we have so much spice, we can afford to throw it away. The Indonesian thought about this and pulled out a packet of clove cigarettes. After lighting one, he threw the rest overboard. His reply was predictable: in my country, we produce so many of these, we can afford to waste a few now and again. The Malaysian sat down and thought very hard about this. Suddenly,he got up and threw the Indonesian overboard.
SUHARTO'S & MAHATIR'S BEST SELLER
Candle in the wind (haze
version)
-----------------------------------------
Goodbye clear blue sky
Though we never see you at anymore
We hope you've not forgotten
to come back to Singapore
The fires won't stop burning
And no matter how hard we try
It seems we're edging closer
towards one thousand PSI
And it seems to me you lived
your life
like a candle in the wind
Never staying a moment longer
when the haze set in
And your memory will always haunt us
when the CD sirens wail
Your candles burned out long before
our lungs completely fail.....
(Sung to the tune of the
Beatle's Yesterday)
------------------------------------------------------
Yesterday, all my Soros seem so far away
Now I know that they are here to stay
Oh, I believe in Yesterday
Suddenly, I'm not half the
worth I used to be,
There's a foreign haze hanging over me,
Oh, I believe in Yesterday
Why did the Ringgit go, I don't know
It wouldn't say
I said something wrong,
Now I have to pay for Yesterday . . .
Yesterday, punting was such an
easy game to play
Now I have to run and hide in shame
Oh, how I long for Yesterday
Once upon an afternoon in a long hot summer, a man was traversing the vast plains when he felt tired and wanted to have a nap. He found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade, placed his bag of caps beside him and went to sleep. Tired as he was, he was quickly fast asleep.
When he woke up after a refreshing little nap, he found that there weren't any caps in his bag! "Oh, Allah!", he said to himself, "Did the thieves have to find me of all the people?" But then he noticed that the mango tree was full of cute monkeys wearing colourful caps! He yelled at the monkeys and they screamed back. He made faces at them and found the monkeys to be experts at that. He threw a stone at them and they showered him with raw mangoes.
"Ya Allah, how do I get my caps back," he said. Frustrated, he took off his own cap and slammed it on the ground. And lo, the stupid monkeys threw their caps too! Smart Mr.X didn't waste a second, collected the caps and was on his way.
50 Years later ......Young Mr.Y, grandson of famous topiwala Mr.X who was also working hard at making $$$$$$ doing his family business, was going through the same jungle. After a long walk he was very tired and found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade. Mr.Y decided to rest a while and very soon was fast asleep. A few hours later, when he woke up, he realised that all the caps from his bag were gone! He started searching for the same and to his surprise found some monkeys sitting on the mango tree wearing his caps. He was frustrated and didn't know what to do. And then he remembered a story his grandfather proudly used to tell him.
"Yes!!!! I can fool these monkeys!!!", said Mr.Y. "I'll make them imitate me and very soon I'll get all my caps back!" He waved at the monkeys -- the Monkeys waved at him He blew his nose -- the Monkeys blew their noses. He started dancing -- the Monkeys were also dancing. He pulled his ears -- the Monkeys pulled their ears. He raised his hands -- the Monkeys raised their hands. He threw his cap on the ground ............. one of the monkeys jumped down from the tree, walked upto him, slapped him left and right and said...
"Idiot!!! Do you think ONLY YOU HAD A GRANDFATHER?????"
ThiS pAge wiLL cOnsTantLy bE uPdateD. sO cOmE BacK oFTen yA hEar? hAhaHa!!!
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